I made a conscious choice in my 30’s not to have children. It was not a socially popular decision at the time, but the right one for me. I have lived and worked on three continents, travelled to 75 countries and counting and have made unbelievable memories, that I never thought were possible. I have lived my life unapologetically and I’m damn proud of it! This is my story, my experience, how I have dealt with the negativity around my decision and how it has affected my life, my travels, and my happiness.
By Patty
I grew up in a really close-knit family, about two hours outside of Toronto, Canada, with my mother, father and younger sister. I lived on a farm and I had an idyllic childhood on many levels. I grew up absolutely believing that I would marry and have two little girls of my own, just like my family. I firmly believed this was my path in life.
After I graduated from university, it was at a time of a poor economy in my province, and jobs were incredibly scarce. A friend and I decided to teach English in South Korea, and not “waste time” at home. My year in Seoul was life changing in countless ways and opened up the world for me, in ways I had never dreamed about before. I worked for a year, travelled for five months and then returned to Canada. I was incredibly restless at home so I took off to London, UK, where I lived and worked for two years on a working holiday visa. Again, a completely life changing experience.
Following four years living abroad, I returned to Canada and moved to Toronto. I thought it was time to “settle down” a bit and begin my career. By this time, I was 29 years old.
Let me begin by saying, I REALLY tried to want kids.
When I was in my late 20’s, I didn’t feel the maternal instinct, but figured it would come the next year. The next year would come and I would say to myself, “don’t worry, I will feel those maternal feelings next year”. The “next year” never came. When I got to my early 30’s, I would look at pregnant women and due a silent prayer of thanks it was not me. I would feel a sense of panic when I thought of having a child and such a deep sense of loss, just thinking about being a Mom.
At around 34 years of age, I finally admitted to myself and family that I did not want children. It was a massive relief! I was unsure how my Mom, Dad and sister would react to the news, but they were incredible and it barely fazed them. They told me they were finally happy that I was no longer putting pressure on myself to try and want kids. These three people knew me the best and always knew having children was not for me, even before I did. At one point, they literally told me it would be a disaster if I had a child! I will forever be grateful for my family for countless reasons, but this is a big one!
Other people’s reactions were vastly different. People who I knew socially, co-workers, acquaintances or complete strangers all had an opinion about my choice, whether I asked for it or not.
Over the years, I have had people tell me I’m selfish, I will never be truly happy without a child, I will regret my choice when I’m older, no one will take care of me when I’m old, I will always be lonely and on and on. I have had people try to figure out a reason why I would make such a decision, such as asking if I grew up in a dysfunctional family. However, I think the most shocking thing that was said to me, was by a physician who I knew socially. He told me that I was “not a real woman”, because I didn’t want children. What??
It was also the body language and looks I received when people asked me about having children. I would get looks of pity, raised eyebrows or faces full of judgement. I always wondered about the people who couldn’t physically have children. It must have been torture for them to be at the receiving end of this body language.
Once I had made the decision that I did not want children, I was incredibly confident and knew, without a doubt, it was the right choice for me. Looking back, I should have been able to make this decision earlier in my life. When I was a child and my family went visiting, I was drawn to the dog or cat, while my sister would go straight for a baby. I actually avoided holding babies for most of my life. The only babies I truly enjoyed holding were my two nieces and that’s it!
When I was younger, most of my friends envisioned meeting a great guy, getting married and having babies. That was never my vision. My dream when I met a guy I was interested in, was thinking about how many awesome trips we could take around the world together. Perhaps it was the social pressure that held me back until at age 33 or 34, I matured enough to finally say, kids were not for me. Clearly, it had always been in my DNA, which is why I believe I was so confident with my decision after that point.
It was this confidence that helped me to deal with all the opinions that people would throw at me. Being honest with my responses also helped, because they didn’t know what to say. I was able to tell people, politely, that their choices were not my choices. I never understood how people felt they knew what made me happy, better than I did. How did they know my passions and what I wanted to accomplish in life? Why did they think they knew the right choice for me? I will admit, it was sometimes very difficult to be polite, after hearing their unsolicited opinion.
Let me bring my choice of being childless back to my travels. After living abroad for four years, I felt a sense of freedom and an incredible zest for life. I wanted to continue to have experiences people are only able to dream about but could be a reality for me. I certainly don’t want to say people can’t travel with children, because they can. I have met some really cool families traveling around Ethiopia, Cambodia or wherever else. It is definitely doable, but it just may need more planning and some experiences may not be possible from a safety perspective.
Travel has been a major passion and one that I will always prioritize throughout my life. I have gone paragliding in Colombia, hot air ballooning in Myanmar, skydiving in New Zealand, sipped smoothies in the middle of Madagascar, spent a day at a really ethical elephant sanctuary in Laos and had countless other mind-blowing experiences. This is what fueled my soul and still does today.
Could I have done some of this with children? Yes, of course, but most likely not as often, as many or as easily. I know 100% that having children would have dimmed the light inside me.
I am older now and for all the people that told me I would regret my decision, I am still waiting! I have absolutely zero regrets and love my life. I am married to the love of my life and we could not be more grateful for the life we live together.
I write this article in hopes that other women out there, can feel less lonely with their decision, or perhaps take some inspiration in how to deal with the pressure they might be facing. I know there are many of us out there in the travel community.
Be confident in your decision and be honest with yourself and anyone who questions your decision. Only you know what makes you happy. Only you know the best choice for yourself! If anyone has an issue with your choice, it is their issue or their insecurity. There is not one “right” way to live and that’s ok.
About Patty
My name is Patty and my Instagram account is @pattytraveladventures.
I live in the suburbs of Toronto, Canada with my husband and adorable dog, Mia. Travel, animals, ethical animal tourism, hiking and the outdoors have been some of my biggest passions and I have travelled to 75 countries so far. I have especially loved the off the beaten path type destinations. Some of my favorite countries have been Madagascar, Myanmar and Namibia.
Follow along with me, if you love to travel!
