Growth After Trauma
Once a year, two of my best friends and I go on a girls’ trip, where we often find ourselves hysterically laughing at the ridiculous journey that is life. It strikes me how long I have known these lovely people and everything each one of us has been through over those years. There has certainly been joy and excitement, but there has also been loss, trauma, and hardships. Despite this, how can we be laughing so freely and still feel joy? The answer is post-traumatic growth.
By Dr. Iris Pachler
The Hard Stuff
Each one of us can take inventory of life and point to events that have been challenging, damaging, and at times even felt like they might break us. If I had a magic wand, I would wave away all the suffering in life and I would want everyone to live their dream.
Since that magic wand does not exist, the tendency is to want to wish away people’s hardships by using denial and invalidation. Have you ever found yourself buying into the notion of “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”? This sentiment sends the well-intended message that the experienced hardship has a positive meaning, if not in the moment, then eventually.
But what if the hard is just that: Hard? We know that stress can take its toll and that trauma has a negative impact on our nervous system. This can show itself as difficulties regulating emotions and mood, feeling overwhelmed, struggling with making decisions, and having difficulties sleeping, just to name a few. The hard stuff does not have a positive meaning in itself. By telling people that it does, or telling ourselves that it does, we invalidate the experience in an attempt to minimize or deny the pain. But the pain remains.
The good news is that the hard does change and even refine us as human beings. To grow from the hard, we have to acknowledge the impact it actually has and work through it while honoring this impact.
Lost in the Storm
When we are expected, by others and ourselves, to simply manage the hard and become stronger from it without tools or validating the true experience, we can slip into survival mode.
In this mode, we are just trying to get by. It is like floating in the choppy ocean while holding on to a small log in an attempt not to go under. As we are trying to stay afloat through a storm, we do not actually grow or become stronger. We actually become exhausted, and the world can seem bleak without relief in sight. As we weather the storm, we can practice compassion and begin to look for strategies and tools.
These strategies and tools add to the log we are hanging on to and the log becomes bigger and sturdier. During the actual storm, this makes a difference, but we certainly continue to feel scared and overwhelmed. Yet, the storm eventually settles, and when this happens, we now have something solid to hold on to. This is where post-traumatic growth begins.
The Aftermath
Life does eventually offer a reprieve from even the worst storms, if not entirely, then at least from the worst of it.
As the storm settles, we can see clearly again and take inventory of what we have been through and also where we are going. As we are floating on our sturdy log, we can get used to whatever new reality is offered, and we can look at the aftermath of the storm.
At this point, we get to decide how to move forward. Post-traumatic growth can happen when we choose resources and perspectives that allow us to feel fortified, refined, and prepared to move forward. Resources can take the form of friends, family, pets, therapy, support groups, and our own talents and personality.
At this point, we not only have a sturdy log, but we have created a raft with paddles. The second necessary ingredient is our perspective. If we bolster our hope, spirituality, mission, and purpose in life, we will eventually begin to see land and have trust in ourselves and the world that we can reach this land, as we continue working toward it.
Brighter Horizons
As I enjoy the time with my friends, taking inventory of everything we have been through, I am grateful to be in this raft with them. We each had to build our own at times to survive a storm, find resources, and challenge our perspectives, to be able to find ourselves here. We now are able to gaze at a brighter horizon, with new tools and capabilities. We can trust that we will weather the next storm. For now, we get to enjoy a clear view, laugh, and recover.
About Dr. Pachler
Dr. Iris Pachler is a licensed clinical psychologist and author of Sculpting Lillian.
She is based in California and is committed to providing quality mental health services and sharing insights that enhance wellbeing. If you are curious about psychological concepts, healing, and personal growth, you can sign up for her Masterclass via her website.
